Being normal is a relative concept. For example, I don’t want to be normal relative to the world today. People like me are destined to have problems. I can simply not digest things around me. My defense system throws the toxic stuff out. So I have accepted myself as a person who is never going to be at terms with the world as it is today.
Doesn’t make me normal, but is a farcry at making me more natural.
Through fire and death, from the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought. Darkness took me and I strayed out of time. My eyes stoned and every day was a million days long. But it was not the end. Until at last, I threw down my enemy off my back and ripped it apart with my finest sword. I felt life in me again.
More to come soon…
“Logic is human creation”, I thought “It is limited and cannot be trusted. A man must give up to His ways.” “I should stop being no analytical, and be more impulsive.” I concluded.
That is what I said in this post. Ofcourse humans make mistakes and reach inaccurate conclusions.
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Human mind is machine with an input and output system. The outputs are our emotions, decisions, conclusions, action plans etc. Outputs are pretty straight forward. Its the inputs which are complicated. We think that things we see in the world, our experiences, information and knowledge are the inputs. I don’t think so. I think our observations are in a way just a process of the machine itself. The inputs are very concealed.
Have you ever wondered when some idea comes to your mind, and you think why the idea didn’t come to you before? Many times we relate the ideas to our experiences in life, but I have had ideas which just came without any connection with my conscious.
These random ideas trigger processes in our mind which result in our emotions and conclusions. Are these random ideas really random? I think not. As I’ve said before, I think every thing He does is well calculated and planned.
The input to our mind are ideas given by Him. If it was not so, everybody in the world would become identical to each other! Its the variety of ideas which make everyone different.
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When my ideas and my mind are His creations, how can I say that my logical conclusions are my creations? I reach all my conclusions because He wants me to reach those conclusions. So how can I simply trash my logic?
Yes, this does raise the confusing question of “who am I?” And I have no answer to that.
For a very long time, “how to live” has been a riddle in my mind. But now I am giving up this riddle. I choose to be logical, then I choose to be impulsive. But really, I don’t know the complete picture. New things keep coming up.
We should just live. Sometimes we are going to do things logically, sometimes we are just going to go by gut. We should just let ourselves be, set ourselves free. And we must do the right thing when we come to the crossroads. When I come to the crossroads in my life, I stop and think, “Is this description of right thing logical or impulsive?” No damnit! Don’t think like that! The fact is that you always know what the right thing is. Just do it.
I have just realized that in the past, I couldn’t concentrate on doing the right thing because I was so preoccupied with all these philosophical questions. I simply didn’t have a clear head for such a long time. Anyway, it was what He wanted. I guess there is no use in regretting what has happened already.
Holy shit! Why did I do this to myself? o_O
I got a ‘tind’ done. According to my mom, last time I had a tind was when I was five years old. 
Edit: Picture changed to reflect the latest view.
Many times in my life, I thought I knew what I was doing. I though I had finally figured out how to live. But God likes to give us surprises. It doesn’t take long before He shatters down our logic, and builds a new one for us. A new logic comes into place, to solve the problems with the old logic, and to introduce some new riddles.
A problem cannot be solved with the same level of consciousness that created it.
- Albert Einstein
With every step, the role of logic is stepped down, and the role of the emotions is stepped up. Since giving up logic make humans feel that they are not doing enough, or that they have gone worse off, they try to regain their logic. I have finally figured out that this is not the way to go. With every step, the role of God Himself is stepped up more evident than before, and the limitations of your role become more obvious. The way to go is to stop trying, to stop resisting His ways. Let Him do the thing, for He will do it anyway, and our resisting, our logic doesn’t matter anyway.
Then may be a human can find peace.
So my family has been looking for a girl for me to marry. That is the way it goes in Pakistan. Families look for their children’s spuces-to-be. Ofcourse I told my mom about what I look for in a girl. My prime requirement was a girl who takes hijab, not just as a piece of cloth, but with its full essence. The other requirements include her being intelligent and well educated, intellectual and open minded etc…
Finding this combination seems to be a problem. See the well educated girls have abandoned hijab. Hijab is left for the poor, uneducated families, not that all uneducated people necessarily take hijab either. Somehow being educated and open minded translates into taking the veil off! What the bloody fuck is that? I am angry about it because this bloody directionless education has made sure that I wouldn’t find the right girl. :S
Recently a fellow blogger criticized me in lenght when I said that the western education is not the right thing for the women of Pakistan. Though she herself belongs to the rare species of educated yet veiled women, she has this impression that this fucked up education system would be the guardian angel for the women of Pakistan. Its not!
(She said in her detailed comment that “I trash the western education just because I’m not a part of it”) Since I am a published writer of a book about a major examination syndicate of the west, and I have studied various education systems quite closely, I can say that this western education system isn’t working out.
Coming back to the real topic, i.e. not being able to find the right girl. There are people who are willing to literally sell off their girls. They would flaunt anything that is flauntable. When my mom snubs them harshly, telling them, “We are looking for a girl, not for money” or “Beauty is surface”, they are put off. First they describe the girl as “modern and fashionable”. When my mom tells them that she wants a girl who takes hijab, they retreat to, “Han tu larki shadi ke baad parda shuru kar de gi na” (Okay okay girl would start taking parda after marriage) I don’t need that shit!
I want a girl who has saved herself, who has refused attention because she looks forward to attention of only one guy. That is the essence of parda. Attention is for a woman what mastubration is for men. :S They cannot live without it. They think its equivalent to breathing. Its not! I don’t want that shit!
Okay that has to be the most unorganized post I’ve ever written. But what the fuck, I’m angry today. :S I should’ve been married like almost 3-4 years ago. But wait, we have this education system which seems to have taken precedence over Islamic teachings and psychphysiological requirements. Hail the savior, fucking right?
After long years spent in vain efforts to quench desire by indulgence, the truth dawned on him.
Returning to Puru, he said: “Dear son, sensual desire is never quenched by indulgence any more than fire is by pouring ghee in it. I had heard and read this, but till now I had not realised it. No object of desire, corn, gold, cattle or women, nothing can ever satisfy the desire of man, we can reach peace only by a mental poise beyond likes and dislikes. Such is the state of Brahman.”
- Yayati, Mahabharat
Likes and dislikes are objects of our mind. Nature doesn’t have likes and dislikes. Nature has a way. Nature guides you when your mind fails.
When humans fail to model something, they call it random. Heck they even have a whole model to describe randomness itself, i.e. the brownian motion! There is no brownian motion in my life, nothing just happened for no reason.
Saying that something can be random is saying that God isn’t “all mighty”. If you believe in God, you will believe that everything has a careful plan behind it.
I, like God, do not play with dice and I don’t believe in coincidences.
- from V for Vendetta
I’ve never loved a woman. So I don’t know what loving a woman is like. I sometimes wonder how something can be so great that you would never want another woman in your life!!?? That seems a bit unrealistic. But then there is this other feeling, which tells me that yes, it will be that beautiful and wonderful. If love it will be, it will be that legendary.
People I love are natural selection, i.e. my family. Though my mind likes to tell me that loving a woman would be my own selection, I don’t really buy it. Loving a woman would be a natural selection as well. Otherwise, it simply wouldn’t be as great as it must be.
Again, the confusion of where His choices end, and my choices start, prevails. 
Kis waqt dasht ko tanha chora
Har pal aik aabla paa hota hai
- Tariq Zaidi
Each moment of my life is monitored very very closely. Every step, every action is analyzed, conclusions are reached. I’m never left alone. Nothing in my life remains unexplained. Everything is exposed to so much light. Living free is not a concept for me.
Still, I cannot draw a line of where He ends and I start. The question is: Who is me? Because I cannot see ‘me’ anywhere in my life and this world. So the most I can do is to say: I - with whatever limit that is where I start - ask You - with whatever limit that is where You can actually end - to make my desires, Your desires; for everything is how you desire.
And people have the nerve to judge others.
People rely on knowledge and logic. People also have a concept about “the ultimate truth”. People define their version of “the ultimate truth” or “the absolute reality” where their logic cannot find a way.
People define “the ultimate truth” in an abstract way. May be a person bestowed with more ideas than me can explain my version of “the ultimate truth” with logic. Still, even he will have a concept of the absolute reality which would be yet another level of abstraction.
My concepts, beliefs and knowledge might just be a subset of another person’s. They might overlap with someone else. A highly unlikely situation of being mutually exclusive concepts might also be there.
The absolute knowledge belongs to God.
People have dreams about how life should be like. Some people hold their dreams so dear that they wouldn’t let anyone or anything get in the way of their dreams. They go wrong. Dreams shouldn’t be about how life should be. Dreams should be about loving and being loved back. That is the only dream worth living.
Where are the men? Where are the men with courage to have their chests ripped apart by the blade of their enemy’s sword? Where are the men with heart to kill another man when they fight for the right? Where are the men who actually believe enough to stand up for it?
Yet more, where are the men who conquered themselves? Where are those who listen to the voice of truth inside themselves? Where are the men with strong will who would do the right thing even when the world doesn’t like it?
These men don’t exist anymore. Rajul means a man, qeht-ur-rijal means lack of men.
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In one of his short stories, Intizar Hussain said that creation of a flour strainer caused the class system to evolve. I very much agree to this. The rich did not want to eat the rough whole flour, and started eating smoother refined flour. Refined flour is required for preparation of the delicacies, the food of the rich.
When you strain the flour so that you are left only with fine white flour, you take out essential nutrition contents from the wheat. Eating fine flour over extended period of time causes malnutrition and excess of estrogen in body. Excess of estrogen causes testosterone levels to go down. Excess of estrogen is directly related to depression, diseases and loss of virility. Depression and poor health eventually lead to dissatisfaction, loss of will power, sadness, infertility, excessive worrying, guilt and fear.
The psychological defense to their fears is to start believing that there is no reason to be afraid, that they are mighty and will not be resurrected. Hence the excessive worrying, fear and sadness causes most to loose their religious beliefs. They don’t see God’s hand in anything. Everything seems only logical. Life seems absurd. Atheism comes in. Science becomes God.
Since they think there is no hereafter, life is overemphasized. Having a “perfect life” becomes more important. The distinction between right and wrong becomes meaningless. Fulfillment of instincts becomes more important than doing the right thing.
Even if they do realize what is right, they might not actually do it because of the lack of will power.
For this fulfillment and a perfect life, people set certain goals. Perfect physical appearance, wealth, fashion, personality and style and what not…
Now think: If you don’t let such a person fulfill his instincts, his life will become miserable. To fulfill his instincts, he will do anything! He will pay you to have a perfect life. He will pay you for any stupid thing which he thinks is important for his life. Since a man cannot possibly have everything he wants, he will be stuck in the vicious cycle of sadness and temporary happiness he gets by spending money on things he thinks he wants.
Now look at the world today. We have processed foods in plastic containers which are extremely high in estrogen content. People today have higher levels of estrogen levels than ever before. This leads to lack of testosterone which then leads to a host of physical and psychiatric problems. As explained above, the person goes through the vicious cycle. The corporates running under the capitalist economy create all the foods high in estrogen contents. Corporate sector then makes the medicines for all the new fancy diseases. Corporates make cosmetics, designer clothes, and all other things to pamper a human’s instincts. Corporates run media to show you all the californication. You join the missing links. The corporate world is the biggest supporter of science. They are the ones making fun of religions and beliefs.
So today, people have bad health, weak beliefs, they are depressed and worried, they want to have a perfect life and they earn to buy stuff which make them only temporarily happy. All good for capitalism and corporate culture!
If people would stick to basic unprocessed foods, there would be no corporate culture!!! They would be happier, healthier and would be strong in beliefs. All these things simply go together.
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So how can we have men anymore? Real men don’t exist anymore, thanks to capitalism, atheism and the american dream.
So I had a Ufone T-shirt with me for a while which all company employees were bestowed with. I hated it because it had Ufone’s orange logo on it. On the back, even the brand slogan “Tum Hi Tu Ho” is written. Since I couldn’t wear it to anywhere else, I decided to use it for the morning runs I do.
Now I’ve been getting some extra attention from other people on the track since the day I started wearing the shirt. Many times, when I over-take someone on the track, I hear them reading out loud the words written on my shirt. So after every few yards, I get to listen to the dreaded words “Tum Hi Tu Ho”. x_x
Nahin hoon! and why do our people have to say such stuff out loud? :s Last thing I want to hear first thing in the morning are the words “Tum Hi Tu Ho” :s
Sometimes I wonder how it would be like having a daughter… Not the grown up one, I wouldn’t want her to grow any more than 3-4 year old. I sometime wonder how beautiful life would be with her sitting in my lap and doing funny stuff like pulling on my nose, trying to eat biscuits with her little teeth… I guess it would come with time, hopefully…
I don’t wonder in the same way about having a son… I mean, your son is also a man. When I think about having a son one day, I think about a man, somebody who would be strong and will provide strength to me.
I guess I’m thinking waaaaayyyy ahead of time.
When humans plan, and nothing comes out of the plan, they think it was because their plan was flawed. But a human’s plan is always flawed, because a human is limited in knowledge. Still, God sometimes bestows human with success even with his flawed plan. The plan doesn’t matter. Its the recognition of the fact, that your plan can be flawed, that your plan cannot be trusted; which is known as belief. When you believe, you say, “I will do the right thing even if circumstances go against me.” When you start following the voice of truth no matter what, you become aligned with the nature. Your desires too, come to be aligned with the nature. When you are closer to nature, your will closes down with God’s will. Hence, submission is the key.
Plan, but don’t trust your plans. Trust God.
I recognized God by planning going futile.
-Hazrat Ali
For the first time, I’m thinking about abandoning this blog and starting a new, anonymous one.
I started this blog at a very strange time. Four years ago, when some events triggered the philosophical war within myself, I wasn’t depressed. The conclusions which came with that war, in addition to the series of unfortunate events, made me lose faith. Logic reached its limits, things in the world became smooth. That is when I realized that I didn’t have a front to fight on.
Even when you have disturbing thoughts, if you have something to try out, something to fight about, you keep going. When you don’t have a fight anymore, and have lost all the motivation, that is when the real depression starts.
That is exactly when I started this blog.
Then came 2008. I gave up. I finally said, “I cannot keep living like this, still I cannot help it.” January and February 2008 were two blessed months which changed everything. Putting back a broken mirror is not easy. But I’m happy that it happened. Surely, this change is not to be attributed to me at all.
This blog has a certain attitude to it. Death, sex, depression, philosophies… Now I’m tempted to write about the happenings in my life. But I cannot when the people I’m going to write about read the blog themselves. 
Hence a new blog…
I however will keep dumping my philosophical stuff at this blog…
I don’t say stuff like “Happy Birthday”, “Eid Mubarak”, “Best of Luck”, “Love ya” etc. When I go to my office, I walk straight to my desk, without any ritualistic greetings. I hate small talk. Just yesterday, I was sitting with a bunch of guys who hardly knew each other. While they joked around making stupid comments, I sat quiet. They were joking, and yet they were formal. While people bond over conversations about weather, I sit like dead wood. If I don’t have anything real to say, I just stay quiet. When I sit down and joke around with my friends, it a no holds barred experience.
I just simply hate being formal, be it social interaction or religious practices. (E.g. I don’t like to refer to God as “aap”, I refer to Him as “tu”)
I don’t believe in words. (Lol, that is ironic coming from someone who is a published writer and has remained a professional writer as well) When you try to express your emotions, you limit your emotions.
This is exactly why I say that I am an honest person. If me and another guy has nothing to talk about, I would make it obvious… If he says, “It was very hot today”, I would simply say, “Yes, it was”. I fail to understand how people can make a big deal out of hot weather. :s
Whatever I do in life, it is totally pure. I don’t pretend. If I act up, I feel cheap.
I just wrote two comments related to this:
In my life, I would like to keep my emotions towards my woman very very private. And I would save all my emotions just for her. And similarly, I would like the same in return. Yes, I am the jealous kind. Yes, I am the possessive type. And I wonder why a pure and a deep woman wouldn’t like that…
Problem is that when I express my emotions out loud, I feel that I am being dishonest to my emotions… because emotions simply cannot be expressed in words. It takes a lifetime to express an emotion… A few sentences simply cannot do the justice…
A friend at work was going through my blog, discussing stuff with me, and I kept mentioning my depression again and again. That is when he said, “Depression na ho gaya, world war ho gai“. (Its just depression, not a world war.)
That reminded me of this quote from Fight Club:
We don’t have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do, we have a great war of the spirit. We have a great revolution against the culture. The great depression is our lives. We have a spiritual depression.
-Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 19
You guys don’t know me. Stuff I write here possibly makes sense only to me. Still you come here and read. You deduce meanings from my writings which I never intended.
I generalize and theorize my topics. Still, every post I write is closely related to my life and what I am experiencing at the moment.
People read, interact with me and assume that they have read every line on my palm. Like I said in my previous post, I am an ordinary person exposed to extraordinary concepts and people. No matter what I write, there are parts of me which remain hidden.
I look at life and this world as a part of a very big picture. Normally, people don’t look at life at all, they just live it.
A friend recently read a post on my blog and said, “You have started to sound like folk tales.” That is true. My life has exposed me to things which made me reach those timeless conclusions. Once again, God created an extraordinary setting for my life, it was none of my achievement.
When I really did have some control over things in life, I screwed up. I failed myself. Every good thing in my life is totally to be attributed to God.
A human has intellect. Fuel to intellect are ideas. A human has some control over how he wants to use his intellect. But he has absolutely no control what ideas come to his mind. Ideas come from God. All a human needs to do is to ‘process’ the ideas honestly.
Lets just say that God gives me a lot of ideas.
This blog cannot possibly tell about all the ideas in my head. How can you possibly judge me from my blog?
Being judgmental is the most useless use of our brain. Be more emotional. Love me, hate me. And do it impulsively, don’t base it on ‘reasons’. How can you love someone or hate someone for reasons.
I am writing all this because some people judge me based on what I write. How can you, when even I cannot? Every next moment gives me a new insight about the moments that have gone by.
Vanity kills the soul.
